Lil Ben, Big Future. Hurrricane High Class of 2022

Ben is one of my Senior Team Models for the Class of 2022. It always feels kind of strange to be focusing on next years Seniors when some of this years Seniors are still scrambling to get everything ready for graduation, including having their Senior pictures done. This to me is by far the biggest advantage of being on my Senior Team and getting that jump start on your Senior pictures.

The start of Senior year is exciting. After so many years of school, the rollercoaster of teachers, friends, grades, crushes and clubs or teams, you can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This is your year to just soak it all in and enjoy.

Then, that last quarter hits and maybe a little bit of panic does also. You need to make sure all your assignments are in, all your credits are correct, your college or job applications are in and you have a plan for after graduation. Everyone is asking what that plan is, asking if you know what your are doing and its a little overwhelming and maybe scary. Then you start seeing friends posting or handing out Grad announcements and your heart sinks,

You kept putting that senior session off because you were having too much fun living the high school dream and now you need to find a photographer who has an opening, you need to round up all of your “high school highlight” trophies, jerseys, costumes, awards, instruments and what not. Your mom is freaking out because cards should have been sent out last week and her stress is now becoming your stress.

IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY! Listen, I know you are thinking that your senior year will be like a whole year and that you have time. Trust me when I tell you that Ben did his the right way.

Ben now has his pictures his whole senior year, you know the year you are actually celebrating and enjoying. He can send in headshots with applications. He wont have to panic at the end of the year and can attend all those late night Denny runs because he has one less thing to worry about. His mom does not have to panic, and so when those last minute…”mom i need help with this last project” texts come in she isnt so overwhelmed that she blows up and tells you that “you are totally not ready for being an Adults!!!!!” ( come on we all have those moments, because truth is, Moms are just as scared as seniors).

So, hats off to Ben Hurricane High Class of 2022 who made a great choice and took time to get his portraits now, I see big things headed your way!

Stand Out, Be Bold

Getting on the backside of a camera is easy for me and sometimes i forget how intimidating it can be to be on the lens side of my gear. So many of my clients just seem so natural on the flip side , they make my job super easy. This got me thinking about how resilient and bold these seniors are these days.

The class of 2021 has gone through a year of masks and cancelled activities and social distancing. They have had lots of change and adjustments thrown at them, full speed. To be honest though, you would hardly know it if you met the seniors I’ve seen this year. They are goin on like true champions, dodging the next punch at times and facing it head to head other times. I’m certain that this has prepared so many of them for some life challenges ahead of them and they are PREPARED!

This Class of 2021 Senior is not the exception to that group I described above. He has had some things thrown his way that some might say “no one should have to deal with” and yet he came to his session ready to tell the world that he was strong enough to deal with what ever came his way.

He was confident and wore the best jackets. I mean he was totally telling the world that he was there to take over. He was going to stand out, he was going to be bold and that nothing was going to keep him down. Style can say a lot about a person. Sometimes it says they are sweet and secure, sometimes its athletic and fun, other times like this… it screams that he is here to RULE the world and not the other way around.

Class of 2021…I am impressed and can not wait to see what amazing things you do in your life time. It’s going to be an amazing ride!

Maternity Session with Goals.

This cute lady and I have been trying to get together for pictures for years now. She lives about 4 hours away from me and timing just hasn’t panned out for it to happen….until now! She and her cute family planned a trip down to see me over spring break and the sun welcomed them.

She wanted to get to the top of the world and so that’s what we did. With how much more traffic is in Zion these days, we planned for extra slow drivers, shut downs in the tunnel and no parking. As luck would have it, none of those things happened. We were super early and the sun wasn’t shy about showing its glorious face. The warm weather made the hike to the spot easy and comfortable.

The kiddos had fun taking turns leading while all the adults worried about them getting too close t the edge. There were a few slips from the sandy rocks but over all, it was a great walk to our spot listening to little “nature man” tell me all about nature and dinosaurs and anything else his little imagination came up with.

We arrived at our location and the family changed into beautiful outfits and we were ready to knock it out of the park! The wind had the same idea though, I think she was trying to blow us out of the park. This didn’t phase this family at and they just went to work being amazing.

I’m so grateful for clients who trust me to capture these important moments. The elements dont always seem to play super nice but man my clients just push right though and make magic happen. Here are a few shots from their amazing session.

Kaycee S Class of 2021 Hurricane High School

Kaycee was awesome to work with! After some scheduling issues we finally pinpointed a day that we could get her away from work to come take some Senior pictures. I was excited with I arrived and saw that she had layers and colors that would pop. I knew it was going to be a great session….and then, as we are driving down the road, I remembered…..I can’t take pictures without a camera!!!!! Never in my life have I ever shown up to a session without my gear and yet here we were. She was a trooper as we turned back around and I went home to grab my gear.

As we drove up the bumpy dirt roads ( I mean the perfect spot isnt always the easiest spot right?) We talked about all f the activities she is involved with and her work. She was so easy to talk with and kept the drive interesting.

As we rounded some curves, I mentioned that I hoped she wasn’t afraid of heights, strike two SARAH! She didn’t love heights and while I was driving around these turns at the top of ledges she just sat there politely and carried on normal conversation.

Sure enough though, the spot I had selected was at the top of a ledge and she rocked the location. I would have had no idea that she was even bothered by the drop offs and cliffs had we not talked about it. I mean she did not let one tiny little bit of that fear creep into what we were doing.

I have no doubt that Kaycee is ready to take on whatever adventures life brings her way as she graduates soon and is off to explore new highs and lows. No fear is going to keep this girl back, I have no doubt in my mind.

I wanted to share some of her images here and give her another huge shout out that I think she is off to do amazing things!

Booking a Portrait Session

It’s been a hot minute since I posted about Photography and not my personal life. I thought I’d take this chance to re-introduce what I do on a business lever here at Sarah Jackman Photography. Don’t get me wrong, I will constantly be posting personal stuff because I think it is important to get to know each other, to have a connection, and so that you can trust that I’m the right photographer for you!

First let me say, I know there are hundreds of photographers around here that are more than eager to take your business. Truth is, I’m not exempt. I'm not a whole lot different in that we do need to make money to keep in business. The bottom line is that while most photographers love what they do, they also need an income from it and its hard to compete with soooo many other people fighting for the same dream.

Next, this dream chasing biz is tough! I don’t care what dream you are chasing, it wont be a stroll through the park on a sunny day…at least not every day. It takes a lot of second guessing, a lot of hours of unnoticed work, a few tears, a lot of hard work and tons of good luck to really achieve some of the best dreams. Continuing to push through, continuing to change your strategy, and continuing to change how you see your dream is all part of the journey and it can be long and tiring.

Now, to get to the part about little ole me!!!! I am Sarah Jackman. I have been running Sarah Jackman Photography for roughly 5 years! I did take last year off to re-evaluate and check my dream vision a little bit but I am back and more eager than ever to watch my dream come true as I watch your High School Seniors take those first steps into adulthood. Here is where I am different that most local photographers. I’m excited to provide you with beautiful works or art and albums that you can cherish for years to come as life brings new gifts and challenges to your/you Seniors. I don’t have a dream of selling you a bunch of digital images that will most often sit in a file on your computer never to been seen again. Sadly, I know this to be true more often than not.

While I do offer sessions for other clientele, I love my Senior clients and let me tell you why. This is not much unlike a wedding. Hopefully, this is a once in a life time experience. As a senior you are getting you wings! The emotions that are running through each senior as they are trying to find their own path is invigorating! I get to take part in documenting this very special moment when they are about to cross such a HUGE bridge in their life. I get to see young men express such bravery and vulnerability as they talk about what their plans are, and I get to capture those expressions. I get to see young women excited to walk into that strange new world with confidence but still knowing that moms advice is right there waiting if they get stuck. All of these emotions I get to put into images that will last as they hand those feelings down to their future seniors.

This is more than just a way to make a dollar. This is creating a story that can be re-told through out the years as my clients go through the album they purchased years ago. This is their story that they are writing and they are each so different and perfect for them. This is a once in a life time opportunity to tell their own story as a single young adult ready to take their next steps

I am not priced for every client. That’s actually intentional. I am priced so that I can have fewer clients but that I can really focus on the clients who trust me to tell their story. I want the story of my clients to be told on the wall and coffee tables of the homes they grew up in, or are moving on to. I don’t want a calendar full of clients, I want time in my calendar for the right clients who really value what this moment means in the life of their senior. This is a new chapter and it is HUGE! it should be celebrated and documented.

Different people value things differently and you know what? That is ok. For a long time I felt like i couldn’t compete in this business because what many other photographers are doing, wasn’t what I saw in my dream I was chasing. So, rather that compete, I’m playing by my own rules. I’m offering something different and scary but something I believe in, and find value in. I offer a full service boutique.

Great, but what in the world does that all mean? Let me break it down. Once we have booked a session, we will meet just prior to your session to discuss what “products” you are wanting. Products is just a fancy word for stuff. What kind of stuff do you want, maybe you want a 20x30 canvas of your baby all grown up hanging on your wall. Possibly you want an album of the variety of pictures taken to send to Grandma because she is too far away to attend the graduation. Throwing a grad party and need some large prints or a sign in book that will greet your guests? The point is, there are lots of options that make your senior session more than just shoot and get a digital folder full of pictures. We will talk about what you want filling your home, and then we are off for the fun part….taking those amazing pictures! Once that is completed, I will spend some time editing them and we will meet once again to view your gallery and you will choose your package and purchase your images. All the hard stuff is done and now the beautiful reward when I deliver your breathtaking products you are then able to display for all to see.

I really do love what I do. I love the look on peoples faces as I present them with their art. If I’m not the right photographer for you, that’s ok. I get it. However, if it sounds like I might be someone who can help you with your dream senior session. I would love to talk with you. Comment here, reach out to me via facebook or instagram or email. I am eager and willing to help create some lasting portraits of your special senior

Perfection isn't Real

How did a month go by without me writing? I was being so good about getting one post up a week and then bam! Nothing. The fact that I struggle to stay up with my goals is frustrating to say the least. It makes me want to quit. It makes me feel like I failed and that somehow that makes me a failure…in all things not just this. Isn’t that crazy how we can go from zero to 60 with those negative thoughts.

Negative thoughts, and playing the comparison game will always be a real battle for me. A battle I know I waste far too much time on and I assume a lot of you out there fighting on that same battle field. Why do we do it? Why can’t it be easier to accept us for us…in our imperfections? Would we really and truly even want to be perfect in all things? What would that even look like?

So here is the real truth. I was busy last month. Not too busy to blog but busy enough that it wasn’t on my radar or priority list. Guess what? That doesn’t mean I failed at this goal, it means I found other things that I was busy winning at and so this took a back seat.

Over this last month, I have been to over 32 Volleyball matches cheering and coaching my two girls along. I have driven kids too and from school and practice and piano lessons. I have feed my crew basically daily ( i wont lie sometimes, taco bell fed us too, I cant take all the credit. I have been to 2 soccer games. I have visited my parents. I have attended church meetings and lessons, I have held scripture study at my home for my family. I planned and took my family to Joshua Tree National park and bowling and to get ice cream. I have photographed 6 people and delivered their beautiful galleries. I have done loads and loads and loads of laundry and I’ve hiked and hiked.

If any other momma gave me a list that included even half of this stuff, I would never look at her like a failure or with any find of eye roll. So why do it to myself, to ourselves? I want to say I’m going to stop doing this but real talk, I wont, at least not anytime soon. It’s been years and years of me talking to myself like this and it will take probably my life time to retrain my brain to speak nicer and more gently to myself. However, I will make a goal to be kinder to everyone around me, including myself. I will make an attempt to encourage and compliment others on their journey because I think everyone forgets how awesome they are occasionally and could use the reminder.

Here are some moments to remind me that I didn’t fail last month because I didn’t blog, I succeeded because I lived.

Life Will Always Throw Those Curve Balls

I’m getting to that age where I understand that very little in this life is actually in my control. I can control the way I treat people. I can mostly control the way I react to situations. And, I can control how if I choose to keep getting up when life knocks me down. That’s about it. However, knowing and even understanding that doesn’t mean that I’m any more happy about it or that it means my life is over because I can’t have complete control ( I may have some control issues I’m still working on).

This week, I had the chance to head out of town and go camping and hiking with a group of women. Some who live local to me and some who were from the Las Vegas area. We went to the Valley of Fire State Park in Nevada. If you have never been you are missing out. It is super rad and not very far from Vegas. There were about 20+ of u women enjoying our time in nature.

We had the pleasure of not only hiking a bunch but also sitting around and amazing fit pit nestled in the red rocks, meeting new people and of course my favorite, seeing wildlife. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t see a huge variety of animals but the big horn sheep made my weekend. The first night there were about 8 who visited the campsite right next to ours and stood majestically on the red rocks above us. The next morning there were 20 big rams wondering across from our campsite. You know me., that made the whole trip worth it.

After a good 8/10 miles of hiking over 2 days, I decided I would skip the last nights sleep over and the next days camping and head back home early. My feet, mostly my toenails were pretty sore. I’m not in the best shape and my feet were the first to tell me that. I had been pretty cold the night before and had rolled up all my bedding to make room to haul park of the group to our trial heads through out the day, and I kinda felt like i wanted to just head home. Then the guilt of leaving early and the thought that I might miss a super cool part of the trip with the hikes they were going to do the next morning stated to eat at me. I fought the internal battle over what to do all day. I finally decided I would stick it out and then decided to pray about it and felt like going home would be the best plan.

I stuck around for a while to visit around the campfire still debating but finally felt peace with just heading home. I got home and the world kind of hit me upside the head. There were some things at home that I was pretty uncomfortable with and I again started to wonder why I came back to reality instead of staying in the quiet, no cell phone service land of The Valley of Fire.

The next morning bright and early my husband got a text from our oldest asking for help. He has a friend that needed to move stuff from the middle of California back here to Utah. My husband had meetings in the morning but we loaded up and left around 1 pm and made the long journey making it back home around 6 am Monday.

I am so grateful that my husband is the kind of man that very willingly helps people in need. I’m also super grateful that I didn’t fight that feeling of coming home for longer than I did and that I was home and able to keep him company on our drive. The trip wasn’t planned or even wanted by me. However, I reminded me of what an amazing spouse I have and that I shouldn’t take that for granted. It reminded me that God has the best plans and that I just hope mine go along with His.

When life throws those curve balls, just remember: Those who can’t hit a homerun from those curveballs are often some of the greatest players of all time. So keep swinging.

The End.....

Am I the only one who is terrified for things to end sometimes? I’m not talking about those things that you should be scared of ending like healthy relationships or dessert, but like kind of all things even the crumby ones. When closing the book on something I get super nervous and anxious and even scared at times. I can be a pessimist I guess but I wonder, will what comes next be too hard or too ugly or too much for me? Does anyone else feel that way? Maybe it’s more a fear of beginning than ending but either way, new chapters scare me and what I’ve grown to know seems like a more comfortable place.

Things this week that fall into this group of unknown include first, I got a new camera. This isn’t just a new camera, it functions a bit different than my old camera bodies and so there is a learning curve with it. It was not cheap nor in my budget but my husband bought it for me anyway. I had basically put aside most client work last year and focused more on wildlife and landscapes, which as you can imagine don’t pay much to have their pictures taken. So I have no real way of justifying this new camera or the price tag that came with it.

I was so excited though and the portrait photography bug kind of hit me so I figured I would go practice with my girls. I had seen this silly challenge called the #targetdresschallenge floating around and of course I thought that it was hilarious so I ran to target and bought some amazingly weird dresses and then waited for the weather to play nice. I figured that since it was my kids and my time it wouldn’t matter much if I struggled using the new Canon r6 a bit, I could learn as I shoot. The camera reviews claim that you will end up with so many more super sharp images and I couldn’t wait. Guess what, while I ended up with a few shots I really liked of my kiddos, I ended up with even more out of focus shots than my old camera sessions had. Disappointment hit hard.

I was determined that I just needed to figure it out, I was doing something wrong. We tried again only this time I used the same Target dresses with a current vibe instead of a “pandemic” vibe. Again, I ended up with some images I love but so many that missed the mark. At this point I wanted to cry. As I edited my images and finally selected the ones I could keep, I noticed that my older daughter is definitely not my little girl anymore.

The end of the younger part of her childhood is here and I need to step into that , she is a teenager and a beautiful one at that. She looked so mature in some of the images I took that again, I wanted to cry but in a mixed feelings kind of a way. She is such an amazing young lady. She is kind and sweet and stands up for what she believes in, including her friends and those who don’t have many friends. On the flip side she might be a little too sweet for this world and I fear it will try to break her. Have I taught her how to be strong enough to get back up? Have I done what I can to teach her about being in the world and not of the world? Ughh parenting is hard!

Finally this week we end another season of high school basketball. It has been a very tough season. We have had more losses than wins, on and off the court from my vantage point. Some years they like to call them “growing years” but i didn’t see much growing happen in the program and it’s been hard to watch. However, what comes next? Last year with all the covid shut downs. we got a summer away from basketball. this year I bet we spend most of it back in the gym. What then, will the make the team next year? If so, will it be as painful as this year? Is it worth it? Could our time and money be spent on something better or is this a good place for them to learn and grow in a new season? Again, parenting is really tough.

So, as I try to navigate, a new camera, a new career path, raising strong and yet soft young ladies, and resilient gentleman sons, I aim to find the joy that is hiding behind my fears and embrace what the Lord has instore for me on this journey called life.

So Much to See

For Christmas this year, I gave my husband a year of pre planned dates. One for each month. The activity is already mapped out and he just has to tell me what days he wants to go out. My husband and I go out to eat a lot. We run errands and get lunch, we go driving around bidding jobs and we go out to lunch, we are at home and I don’t want to cook and we go out to lunch. While I wont complain because I love food and him, it does seem a little like a habit and less like a date so I tried to come up with things we don’t normally do. Each month we have something a little out of our normal comfort zone.

Februarys date included a visit to the Midway Utah Ice Castles. We had never been and honestly, he had never heard of them. The are only available for a short time and this year has been pretty warm here in Utah anyway. When I planned it for Feb. I thought we would totally be fine and as the date got closer, I wasn’t so sure. I didn’t know if we would make it to the end of Feb. so I booked right away.

When we arrived at the Homestead Resort where we stayed ( I have both good and bad things to say about this place if you want to shoot me any questions you might have if you want to book there) we were scheduled to swim in their crater shortly after check in. We went off to our room to get ready and off we went.

The Crater water was just about perfect. I thought I might be too cold because I am a baby when it comes to water temps. They say it runs about 95 degrees which I would say was pretty accurate. It was cold outside so getting in the water felt warm and wonderful. Now, I wouldn’t advice against going to the crater to swim but be aware you will have plenty of other people swimming with you even though you have to book a time slot. It was a large area and so it wasn’t horrible but, I’m all about fewer people so that was a bit of a turn off for me. Also you must wear a life jacket in the crater ( its the rules) and yet many grown adults couldn’t seem to get that and the man at the desk had to basically stand and watch until some older man stopped acting like the life jacket was intended to be worn as a diaper and actually put it on correctly. Hence my fondness for more private experiences.

We were informed while at the crater that a few days the past week they had to shut the Ice Castle down because it was just too warm. We had walked around the area earlier and had heard all the water dripping from the melting ice so I didn’t doubt that he was telling the truth one little bit. I started to get nervous for our visit which was the following day.

The night had arrived and we showed up to visit the castle and get on our sleigh ride ( I mean if we were going to do this, we wanted to do it right). As we checked in we were informed that our sleigh ride had been cancelled. Too much ice and the horses were slipping. It was a bummer but on the bright side the castle was still open. Again, tons of people…..we attended on a Monday night. I would say that they wont be open much longer as things were dripping and it was clear that the ice isn’t going to last much longer.

I would skip rushing up there this year but if you have any interest, it’s definitely something I would suggest as a special date night get away or even as a fun family adventure. I personally would love to take a model or two and go create some magical Ice Queen photos in the future. No matter how you spin it, its a trip that I think is worth taking.

You Matter

This week has been full of sports and self reflection. This weeks update wont be super interesting but I did want to stay consistant to my goal of posting once a week and since Wednesday came and went, and then Thursday also skipped on by, I’m posting 2 days late with something that doesn’t seem to want to flow right out. Maybe It’s because I feel like this week has been replayed in my life a hundred times and that it would be boring from a readers perspective, or maybe it’s just that I’m still struggling with my own thoughts and putting them into action that I feel silly continuing to revisit the same topics but here goes anyway.

This past weekend I was able to attend my daughters Volleyball tournament. This covid thing has made it hard for more than a few parents to attend so I felt very blessed to be able to be in attendance. I love watching sports and seeing my kids ( and those that I’ve coached over the years) learn and grow and become better players and team mates. I love sports photography and while I’m still learning a lot about it, it is something that I really enjoy. My daughters team is a little rough around the edges from a skill level stand point but I don’t know that you will find a better group of girls who encourages each other and is kind. I think that sometimes in sports these days, there is an idea that you can not be both kind and competitive. This mentality makes me sad and honestly has left a pretty sour taste in my mouth. Team sports have become a ever man for them self kind of thing and making the team better as a whole if your numbers aren’t highlighted seems to be unworthy of players time. Coaches seem to reward the one man show mentality and it makes me wonder what we are actually teaching these athletes. However, this group of girls, at this level, and at this age, are doing a great job of trying to lift each other to make the team better and it was nice to watch.

4 more basketball games this last week and all of those questions I mentioned above about what are we doing, just pounded in my head. So much potential to build something great or to destroy self esteem and drive.

Sunday as a family we discussed the many ways that Satan tries to destroy us. I know without a doubt that Satan loves to get under my skin in several ways but one reoccurring theme is through self doubt. This constant battle of “am I doing anything worthwhile?”, “Would it even make one bit of difference to the world if I had never been born?” and “what mark am I leaving?” replay in my mind far too often. I’ve battled depression and when those questions arise during those times, it’s hard to move. It’s hard to find a reason to get out of bed. However, currently I am not in that dark fog but the questions still hit. This week more than many it got me asking myself, “what am I doing to make sure that others know that they are making a difference?” Who have I complimented or thanked for how they have impacted my life, in big or small ways?” And the answer is that I’m not doing super awesome at it. I try but I could definitely do better. If Satan is using our self doubt to drag us down, than surely our loving Heavenly Father would want is to know all the amazing things we are doing that lift others and help out.

I know that being thanked is often uncomfortable for some of us but I think we need to hear it more. I know that most of us if not all, struggle at times with not feeling like we are doing enough, and yet I would argue that there are those around us who are eternally grateful for the small things we have done. So, to sum it up, this week I want to be better at letting people know that I appreciate them. I want to thank the store clerk for smiling instead of looking down the whole time. I want to acknowledge that my husband doesn’t have to hold every door for me but he does to show me love. I want the people around me to know that my world would be different with out them and that I am glad they were born and placed here in my life now. I encourage you to do the same. Its hard to know when someone might need to hear that they matter but we can make it a habit of just letting people know on the regular.

New stuff

This week has flown by. Does it ever amaze you how time can change pace? Some weeks seem to last 6 months while others are like a flash and gone. I’m not sure how that all works but I have it on my list to ask when I get to the pearly gates.

We started out the week with SNOW! Yes, I know if you live were you have to shovel it and drive in it, you may hate it. However, I live where it snows and melts on the same day and those days are so rare that its tons of fun when they do happen. So, it snowed…and snowed enough that you could make a snowball and throw it, or build a snowman. It was awesome and Zion is something else in the snow. I mean it is unreal in its typical day to day fashion but if you happen to be here when there is fresh snow you have been very blessed and should take lots of pictures….I did.

Next I did a thing. Like a BIG thing for me. I joined a group of women who hike and explore southern Utah. If you know me you may initially think….this isn’t weird, she loves getting outside and finding new places. Then upon further thought you will realize, wait, she hates all things new, different, unknown and scary, and she really doesn’t like meeting new people or hanging out. In comes all my anxiety front and center. I made a goal at the beginning of the year that I would attend at least one of their events each month. I had no idea how hard that goal really would be and next thing you know I’ve talked myself out of all the other events and we are at the end of the month and I had not attended yet. I decided I would give it an honest effort and plan on going ( i even checked the little “going" box so that I wouldn’t back out).

I woke up this morning and it was cold, wind blowing, freeze your ears off cold. I hate the cold so I almost threw in the towel. I didn’t though. I stuck with it and I met new people and I hiked a new hike and guess what? I didn’t die! I mean I know it sounds silly but really, I didn’t. It made me wonder today as I pondered about why I was so nervous about going in the first place, how any things have I missed out on? How many cool opportunities have I been to scared to grab on to?

So, the goal this week? Live my life and explore all those open windows and doors. Try new things, and don’t let my anxiety take away my joy. Who is with me? I want to hear all the ways you didn’t let fear win this upcoming week….leave me some comments

What a Week

Ok for starters, this week marks the first week in 2021 that I was able to hit a National Park that I haven’t been to before!!!!! Yay, hopefully many more to come. Second, this week also came with some disappointments. So, lets jump right it.

Ok so this past weekend my Husbands Grandfather passed away and we held a service for him on Saturday. A few take a ways from this 1) My husbands family is awesome and large and loving and diverse. 2) Saying goodbye can be a good thing 3) Life is meant to be lived but more importantly, it is meant to be used for good.

Lets break this down so that you know what I am talking about. I knew my husbands family was big because we get together on some holidays and at a reunion every summer and so I wasn’t under any misimpression that there were only a handful of them but when you are told you can basically only have kids, grand kids, and great grands, ( p.s. thanks a lot covid) and you still fill a chapel, you know that you have a big family. I don’t think I have been around all of them ( minus a small number who weren’t able to attend) at the same time all under one roof and it blew me away. The thing that was even more mind blowing was how different they all are on political, religious, lifestyle, and economic aspects, and yet….nothing but love all over. I mean I’m sure that they were on their best behavior considering but, you could feel how much everyone loved each other and missed those they hadn’t seen in awhile. It was like looking at a little tiny part of the world ( at least my world) and being like……this is the answer people! This is what we need. This is how we need to great our neighbors even when we don’t agree. It was amazing and I am grateful I was there to see it all. Next, Grandpa had been suffering with some things for years. It was hard to watch. Seeing all the love and the joy that came to everyone knowing that he is now at peace and his caregiver can now have some rest was beautiful. It wasn’t a sad funeral although there were tears shed but a joyful celebration of his life. Which leads me the that last lesson. We only have so much time here and it is meant to be used all up! Every minute of it is ours to do with it what we will. Someone mentioned Grandpa bringing home a homeless person just because they needed a hand up, I want to be more like that. I want to see the needs of others and use my time to make their world better, make the world around me better. It was inspiring.

So here is the nasty truth about me, I feel guilt. Like all the time. Saturday after the church service, we headed up to the grave site to lay him to rest. My youngest had her last basketball game of the season. I had been stressing about the timing of it all and hoping that the grave site part would be done by the time I had to leave for the game and we wouldn’t miss any of it. I was wrong and the service took longer than expected and the grave site portion also took longer than expected. We ended up only being able to attend a few moments of it and having to hurry off to her game. At one point someone had made a comment hinting that we should miss the game for this. I can see why the would want us to choose that option. However, to me, I made a commitment to coach and my daughter to her team. I also didn’t want her to miss out on any of the life she is living. I felt good about that choice for about 5 minutes. Then that comment just kept ( and is still ) playing in my mind. The perceived judgement sucked but what was worse was the guilt that I was self imposing. It is a constant daily battle to fight the guilt demon for me and to be honest, there are days that I don’t have the energy to fight him and he wins. However, with those battles I have received a strength that until recently I didn’t know I had, or that it was even a strength. I have learned that those condescending, even when well intended, comments aren’t helpful and I believe I am a lot better at avoiding them now than I was 10 years ago before I was thrown into this war. I have become a much softer and understanding and accepting person thanks to that ugly little guilt. If you suffer like I do….take time to look at what you have learned from the time in the trenches and accept yourself and the good qualities that you are gaining because of the tough times.

Ok, I’m jumping off of my soap box for a minute to tell you, after her game, we headed out of town to visit Death Valley National Park. I wasn’t expecting much but I did want to visit it and man was I glad we did. We car camped, which I mostly love. However, the air mattress we pumped up only held air for a few minutes before we were on the floor of the car and after a couple of attempt to blow it back up, we decided it must have had a hole somewhere and we were out of luck. I wont lie, I’m no spring chicken and my hips and back don’t much love the hard ground. I was awake around 4 am checking emails when I got a message saying that I went shopping at Sears ( I didn’t even know they were still in business) and spent over $1000.00 there. Of course this wasn’t actually my transaction but now there was no way I was going to be able to fall back asleep. I got up, and headed down the road to the spot I wanted to be for sunrise. Just to be clear, I can do sunset every day but sunrise is rough for me. Unless it’s Christmas morning or a Disneyland day, I don’t do mornings.

We made it to a place called Zabriske Point. There were probably about 6 other people there when I arrived and more just kept coming as it got closer to the sun coming up. It wasn’t overly crowded but any means but enough people to know that this must have been the right spot to pick. Before the sun even started to make its debut i could see shadows and shapes of the mountains around us. It was almost like a different planet. It was very cool. As that sun started to light up the back mountain though…….breathtaking was the only word I could come up with.

From here we traveled on to the visitor center where we stopped and called to cancel my card and decline that wonderful Sears purchase I never made. A little fact about me, I collect hoodies from each national park ( well kinda anywhere ) I go. So we stopped in to the book store to get one….sadly they only had one and it was not cute or soft so I passed on it but we grabbed a sticker for the car ( yep we are those people) and headed off to a few other fairly cool hikes. Much later that evening as we were heading home ( actually as we were stopped looking at some wild burrows) my husband notices his money clip with all his cash and cards was missing.

We retraced all our steps and by that I mean all of them. We were out hiking with flashlights in the dark hoping to find it. We didn’t. However, those stars were beautiful. The conversation with my husband and little were a blessing and I felt richer than I had earlier And then it happened, we were out of gas or very close to it. We got to a gas station with about 2 miles left in our gas tank. Here is the thing though. His cards gone. My card cancelled. I had some cash but the gas station was pump only and pay with a card. I don’t think it was by chance that as soon as we pulled into the gas station a man on a motorcycle also pulled in. My husband got out to plead our case and offer him cash to let us charge gas to his card. He didn’t hesitate and we were saved! I’m not sure he will ever know what an answer to our prayers he was but he absolutely saved our butts. He also helped me to be on the look out for opportunities to help others. I believe angels are everywhere they just don’t always look like what we think they will

We of course made it home safely and the first thing out of my little ones mouth to her older sister was “ we don’t have any more money”. We have had to chat about how that isn’t exactly true but it was a good chance for us to be grateful for all that we do have and recognize how quickly it can all be taken.

I’m sure anyone who follows along with me this year will get so tired of me using the word adventure but I just really love that word. By definition it means: an unusual and exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity. That’s life right? I mean all of it with its ups and downs and flat tires, lost clips and fraud alerts lead us to beautiful sunrises, star lit hikes and memories Things I wouldn’t give back just to get some money back or some a few hours where I would probably scroll facebook anyway. It’s messy. It’s guilty. It’s strong. I can be frustrating and it can be breathtaking but we only get it for a limited amount of time and I don’t want to waste too much of it. I’m going to live as much as I can in this life I’ve been gifted.

What Can I Bring

What a whirlwind week this has been. Many ups and downs and circles really. I mean I’m honestly trying to look at things on the bright side and enjoy the adventure with all that comes with it. However, if you have followed along with me on this journey or you know me at all, you know that I have a real need to be real and not to portray the pretty just so that everyone stays comfortable. So lets just jump right in.

After last weeks adventure entry, I had a meeting with a committee I am part of. I’ve wanted to speak up about something for awhile but, I’m the new kid on the block so to speak and well, it’s intimidating. This week I spoke up. It was fine right up until I was asked to present the idea at our next meeting……I’m never sure if being shut down immediately is worse or better than the dreaded- put a lot of work into something and question your every move knowing that your ideas will never be good enough- lets hear what your thinking, opportunity. So, I came home fired up and started working on what I might say and present to them. That lasted like an hour and then life happened and its now been just shy of a week and I haven’t touched it again.

Fridays adventures took us to our sons High School basketball games, as did tonight. It’s so hard to watch them with only a handful of other parents in the stands and to be told grandma and grandpa can’t go or siblings. When our kids participate in something, our family supports them and shows up to their events, being told we can no longer do that as a family breaks my heart and I can not help but wonder how many “small” things like this are tearing families apart or simply letting them drift apart. It’s hard to be happy for them getting to play but so sad about who can attend at the same time.

Next up was Rec basketball, same deal, only a handful of parents allowed and the team we coach got killed. It always makes me wonder if I’m doing enough. What did we need to work harder on in practice? Maybe we aren’t making it fun enough. Someone else should probably coach because we get too excited during the games. All the you aren’t enough negative head talk hits hard after a big loss. We tried to hike it off after but realized that the hike I picked and the car we drove had different plans that didn’t include each other so we ended up at a random new trail head. This actually turned out to be a good thing because it is something new and I love new places to check out. However, it wasn’t the best time of year so it was just dry and dead right now. I was trying to embrace the positive. Then we got the news. My grandfather in-law passed away.

Sunday we did a bit of driving and ended up seeing lots of deer, some eagles, a coyote and some big horn sheep. Not terrible for a days drive right? I did feel incredibly blessed to live in the area I do. On the way home we shared the news of Grandpa’s passing and my little one broke down. I couldn’t help but wonder how we are all made so different and how wonderful it is that we are. I have two kiddos that have a very hard time with death. My youngest still cries randomly because she misses our dog that we put down several years ago. I on the other hand have always looked at death as a blessing. Freedom from the worry and pain of this life. She isn’t wrong, nor am I. Just different and I’m so glad.

This year I am doing a 365 day photo challenge. There is a word prompt each day and the goal is to get my camera out and create an image I can post each day. While I love this idea and the first week went awesome, this week was rough. The prompts were hard, the motivation was not there, and I just felt like there really was no point in doing it. A few days I cheated and used my cell phone to snap a quick picture and then felt like a failure. However, I quickly realized that I never planned to be perfect or that I would end up with 365 amazing images that i wanted to hang all over my home, I just wanted to use my camera more and wanted to finish something. I realized that I’m doing the best I can. Man those head games are rough right?

This week I have yelled at my kids, I’ve sat around instead of cleaning, I’ve thought horrible things about myself and I’ve cried, a lot. This week I have also, made dinner, spent time with my husband, watched hours of basketball, served my community, asked about my children’s day, crafted gifts, and attended meetings. It wasn’t a perfect week, they never are. My attitude needed a little adjusting, it always will. However, I’m here. I get to try again this up coming week and hopefully get better at some aspects of it. Here’s to next weeks adventure!

It's Been a Hot Minute.

Man do you ever feel like you just sort of fall off the earth for a bit? Like you are still doing things but nothing seems to be getting done? I honestly thought I was doing so well with this blog, then I realized its been months since my last post. I’m gonna get this things going again so here goes.

The year 2020 will go down in history as a tough one for most people but to be 100% honest, it was great for me. It slowed my pace down enough to let me catch my breath which hasn’t happened in a long time. It also allowed some extra time for me to spend with my family out doors in nature where I am happiest. I remembered the tender hand of the Lord more and noticed quiet mercies that i wouldn’t have otherwise.

While I don’t love a lot of things about 2020, i don’t love a lot of things about every year so I’m not about to claim it was harder than any year known to me before. To be real, every year is hard. Hard means you have been challenged and growth never comes with out some challenge. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying “bring it on 2021” because I’m a huge fan of not working hard for things….I mean I’m lazy and don’t love hard things but I can see their value.

With all that said, I wanted to make some awesome weight loss resolution or some inspiring save the world goal but, as mentioned above, I struggle with what I want to happen and actually finding the motivation to make amazing things happen. Then it hit me, Amazing things happen every single day of my life. Last year was really really hard on people for a lot of reasons that I was blessed to not struggle with. My husband kept his job, i changed my vision for mine. We were not any more ill in 2020 than we were in 2019. We did have to adjust, we did have come across things we hated, we had to suck up our pride a bit and become humble, we changed the way we did things but most importantly for me, I changed the way I looked at things.

Kids doing school at home was rough on many, I loved it! I got to see my kids….like for more than 5 minutes after school before practice. Did they complain more than I would have liked, of course but guess what, that was more talking than most parents get with their teens these days so I was grateful for it. We had to learn to share the computer and work with each other. My kids learned home skills because they were actually here to use them. We didnt do everything perfect for sure but I looked at it all as a gift from a loving Heavenly Father who gave me some very precious time that I couldn’t figure out how to give myself or my family.

The thing is, I’m not a happy go lucky person. I see the worst in just about everything and I worry about it all. The fact that I wasn’t having a melt down every single day 2020 was a miracle it’s self. And. I totally get why people hated it. I have had years that having my kids home from school that much would have been truly awful. I know that sounds bad but, real talk, I have kids that have broken my heart, my spirt and my strength. I know that feeling very well of loving your kids but not having the strength to fight the battle every day and looking forward to school hours just to rest up for the next episode. I also know the horrible guilt that feeling like that about your own child. It makes your world crumble and 2020 was like that for a lot of people.

So this year, I want you to join me on my ADVENTURE called life. I do have a goal to get outside as much as possible because I live in the greatest place ever….earth. There are so many places I haven’t see and I want to get out and see as much as I can. On the flip side, I have spent much of the last decade in my room, finding it hard to get out of bed so, I know every day wont be fun and wont be exciting. Guess what, not every minute of even the best adventures are fun though. I honestly cant remember the last camping trip or road trip that didnt come with some kind of a hiccup. Maybe it was a flat tire or a bison traffic jam, maybe it was terrible weather or no breakfast at the hotel that we only booked because it had breakfast. The point is, none of these bumps in the road have made me want to stop my trip or go home, they are just part of that adventures story.

Each day I will be keeping track of my adventures and weekly Im going to come her and post what we have been up against, where it took us, maybe ( hopefully ) what we learned and where we are going next. I would love comments here or on facebook letting me know what your adventure is looking like for 2021. Looking at it as a gift and trying to grow from every minute of it.

With out more babble from me, here is a glimpse into what the first week of Jan has looked like in our neck of the woods….Great weather, a few exploring trips locally, and a stomach bug for the littlest…it’s real life.

There is Beauty In All Things

Recently my family took a little adventure. I have wanted to hike this particular hike for a long time but because of schedules, weather and the process of acquiring permits, I just never made it a priority. Last year around March I finally filled everything out, bought the family some good hiking shoes and we were going to do this hike!

The day finally came and the weather was AWUL. Thunderstorms and rain which isn’t a good combo to be down in a canyon. I was terribly upset but we cancelled the trip. Summer wasn’t really an option for me because it’s s hot here and the lottery for the permits fills up super fast when its the busy tourist season. Fall came and went and I’m not a huge fan of cold so I was hoping to try again in the spring. Then covid hit. They stopped permits and entry into the canyon.

I’ll be honest. I don’t take great care of my body. I don’t go to the gym. I eat brownies for breakfast. I have weak hips, knees and ankles from finishing 2 marathons without proper training, and I’m just getting old. I hate to admit it. I think I can still do things like completing a marathon without training. The truth is that I just can’t anymore though. So, when I saw that they had opened the permit system back up, I knew it was kind of now or never and never wasn’t really and option that I was ok with. It was mid Oct though and I wont lie, I was nervous it would be cold.

So round two. Applied and was granted a permit for 6 of us to hike the Subway. Typically you should submit your lottery application at least 30 days prior to your visit. We missed that window and attempted for the 7 days prior lottery. We lucked out and 2 days before the date I had chosen we got an email letting us know we were good to go. I filled out some information, checked off boxed that went over several safety issues and then the day before I headed out to the Zion National Park Visitor Center to pick up my official permit.

The things they ask you are pretty easy to answer but as with any back country type hike, they want to know who, when, what vehicle, have you prepared properly and then warn you of all the dangers The questions and concerns they have should be a good indication that this is not something that is easy. This is not a hike that just anyone can walk in and out of. This is a dangerous and difficult undertaking and they want you to know upfront so that they don’t have to send a rescue team after you.

I have been on tough hikes in my life. Nothing super difficult because well, as I mentioned above, I don’t really keep myself in the best of shape. I don’t train. Hikes like Angels Landing in Zion National Park are known to be dangerous, and tough. You don’t have to jump though hoops to get a permit for it. You start and you hope to finish. I’ve done it, it is amazing and I totally recommend it but those “Wiggles” did kick my trash. People die every year on this hike and yet no 20 questions before you start so, again, the list of things to answer and check off should have been a clue to me that this was not going to be easy.

We got up to the trail head around 9am. We hit the one bathroom before we headed out on the trail. As we wandered through the nicely trailed trees and mountain side for about half a mile, I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful the weather was. We were mostly all wearing shorts, shirts and hoodies to start out with. The paper I read said it would be full sun the whole day. It lied. We were in the shadow of the mountains all but maybe 40 mins the entire day. However, we were super lucky to have picked a day that turned out perfect. The sweatshirts came off shortly and the wind was not blowing in the canyon besides and occasional breeze that felt great. When we had left home in the morning the wind was fairly gusty and I was worried it would be even worse down on the canyon floor but it was just the opposite. We were perfectly sheltered from the sun and the wind.

Just after our leisurely stroll we hit the good stuff. By good, I mean horrible awful steep bolder and and sandstone decent into the canyon. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s a short like .1 mile or something but in addition to being hard on the knees, as a mother, my fear for my children to go sliding down the mountain or just into a huge rock to start our day was real! Of course the kids were all eager and their energy was high so they were cruising right along and I was very nervous. Luckily we all made it down without any harm done. I knew though, that was going to be a beast to climb back up.

From the bottom of the hill, we carried on down finding out own trails or those that others have created over time along the river. Basically there is no official trail. You follow the river and you will eventually get there. That’s what we did. We crossed back and forth across the river multiple times, climbed over boulders and mud. We walked in sand and dirt. We dicked under trees and sometimes into them. We had a few slips on the slick rocks bet eventually fund a flat rock to sit and have our lunch.

The 6 of us included my wonderful husband, myself, my 15 year old son, 14 year old son, 13 year old daughter and our 8 year old daughter. Lunch at school is at about 11 so my 8 year old’s internal clock was going off big time and we were much slower on this journey than my family had hoped. I figured some food and rest might be just what we needed. After the we fueled up, my 8 year old was “hyped” and ready to go again. I however could tell that old age stiffness from sitting had set in already and it was tough to get back up. We carried on.

We had seen a couple of groups of people at this point but mostly it was just us. We found some fall colors, gross algae bubbles, frogs, lizards, and snakes along the way. We saw beautiful Zion towering over us. The river sounded beautiful and the company was great. eventually we got to a place called the Red Falls. We had about1 minute of just us and the falls. Then out of nowhere people came from both sides. People heading back out, and people from behind us. There were probably 15/20 people all in that same majestic area in the 5 minutes we were there. I will say, this could have been where the hike ended and I wouldn’t have been disappointed. It was gorgeous and magical.

We knew we still had a little ways to go, about half a mile from this point to the Subway tunnel. We moved on, still feeling pretty good. My oldest son that was with us went ahead of us early on and came back and met up with us at this point. He let us know it wasn’t much further and showed us the way. We walked though water from this point to the Subway. The tunnel was beautiful as you approached but once inside the pools were breathtaking. The rocks were slick in spots and the water was very very cold. As we walked back into the tunnel, we came to a spot where you had the option to turn around and go back or get in the water and see how far the tunnel would take you. When i say get in, I mean commit fully to swim.

I saw a couple who had just gone back there and was swimming out. I asked if it was worth it. They both agreed eagerly that it was totally worth it. So, I said I was doing it. My husband thought I was nuts, my sons started to head back to the car, and my girls and husband decided to go with me. The water was COLD!!!! We made it back to the end where there was a small water fall and a beautifully colored log. Now I don’t mean to be a negative Nancy but, it was not, in my opinion, “worth it” I would have always wondered if I hadn’t taken the trip back there though, so I am glad I did it. I took a could cell phone shots s they aren’t great, but you get the idea.

We got out of the frigid waters and headed back toward the car. We again seemed to be mostly alone. We were heading back a bit later in the day than most and certainly later in the day than we had hoped. We had been hiking about 5 hours or so, and it was probably 2-3pm by now. We tried walking through the river for a good chunk of the hike back. It seemed to make sense since we were already wet. however there would be parts were we it looked fairly deep and we weren’t trying to be soaking wet the whole way back ( especially since the fear of being out there after the sun went down was getting real ). After a few tears and another food break we made it to the bottom of the steep hill climb.

My legs were tired and weak but worse than that, my knees, ankle and hip were completely shot at this point. The .1 mile seemed like 3 miles. Each step was my last one. My husband was a huge help in pulling me up the big rocks, to be truthfully, he pulled me up just about every rock which was basically the whole hill side. My point of telling you all this isn’t so much that you all need to know that I am a weenie, but that you need to make sure you hike with someone if you ever try this hike. Please do not do this alone. I needed help and I’m not sure I would have made it all the way back up without him there.

The trail appeared again and flatted out mostly. We finally made it back to the car where our older two sons had been waiting for us for nearly 2 hours. I know that sounds awful that they had to wait that long but, we are all on our own journey walking our own pace. I couldn’t help but connect that to our life. I have hit many tough spots that I went into thinking that I would be just fine. I am sometimes overly confident or stubborn about what I can and can not do. I have hit spots where I just need help and even though i can’t or wont ask for it, I need it. I have been blessed by having angels in my life who will drag me along until I reach a place I can walk on my own. I have been passed by people who aren’t struggling, I have also had moments where I have been the ne passing. I hope and pray that as I pass by others, I am making sure that they don’t need my help. I pray that I am not in such a hurry that I miss those chances, or the single flower growing our of a rock. I also pray that I recognize that I need to prepare a bit better. The world can be rough and I need to stop walking out into it without training and preparation to meet it’s challenges. There are so many beautiful and amazing places, people and opportunities in this life, get out there and find them, even if it takes a lot of hard work and a few tears.

What You Don't See

I’m big on honesty and well the truth is, I feel like my photography that you see isn’t always honest. Maybe that’s not a good way to say it because it isn’t that I’m faking anything or like I’m photoshopping the crap out of anything but, it doesn’t always tell the whole story and sometimes that feels like it’s not totally honest.

I’ve been wanting to host a photography retreat or workshop for quite sometime. I dream of it and yet can not seem to get my footing and get people to be as excited about it as I am. I want to share all the cool places and things I see with others and I love to learn from other people when I can see things from a different perspective. The reality of it is that I don’t know if I could do it. I’m not sure that I would be good at it and I’m terrified that people would be disappointed. I think those fears keep me from pursuing this dream, let me show you why.

I recently visited one of my favorite spots, Grand Teton National Park. We got to see an awesome wolf feeding on a bison carcass.

It was AWESOME! I mean seeing a wolf is fantastic and rare so this was a great experience for me. The thing you didn’t see with this image is this…,

This was a zoomed in shot of a wolf sitting on a hillside waiting for it’s turn to eat but afraid of the people who were creeping too close. You could see it with the naked eye but mostly just as a dark dot on the hillside. You also can’t see the people….lots of people, nor can you see the time sitting and waiting, just hoping that these little guys would decide to show up. The internal debate of keep waiting or move on and hope to see something else is hard to capture with a camera but it’s all part of the experience.

So, I struggle. I struggle to know if sharing what I love with others will be tarnished by the experience others have if I can’t meet their expectations. One thing I love about these trips and wildlife in general is that there is no guarantee. I hope but never expect because you can not predict what or where an animal will be, what the weather will decide to do, or where people will be.

I come home from each trip. I post images that receive a lot of love on social media. I get that ego boost I need from time to time telling me that I am good enough, that what I capture lifts people, that I have a talent and this is what I should be doing. Once the confidence is there I think, ok this time I’m going to throw the idea out there and get planning. People would love it! I would be able to teach and help, I could do something with this besides show off my pictures online. And then these images show up during editing….

You can see the ears of a female moose in the front but what is harder to see is the male moose right behind her…. here I’ll zoom it a little to see if that helps…

Can you see his rack now? It’s still tricky I know. The point is sometimes this is what I see on a trip and these moments are some of the best ones. They usually mean it’s just me and my husband watching or maybe a very small crowd. These moments feel a little like I’m a child again playing “Where’s Waldo” in real life. ( I knew all those hours would pay off eventually lol). However, me loving it, doesn’t always translate to everyone loving it.

So basically, let me know in the comments, would you want to do a photography retreat? What would make it something you would want to do be a part of? Does the knowledge that it’s not a guarantee that you will see anything super cool make it feel like it wouldn’t be worth it? And finally, the real question, were you a “Where’s Waldo” fan?

Have I Done Any Good In the World Today?

It is hard for me to write almost every time that I do. I struggle to know what to say or better yet, how to say what is on my mind and heart. I often feel like it will be misunderstood, misinterpreted, or flat out unheard at all. I, like many others right now. feel like I’m screaming inside a sound proof glass box and no one can hear me. Maybe it’s because we disagree, maybe it’s because we have been “blocked”, maybe it is just the distance between people and the lack of face to face social interaction but I think so many of us feel like we aren’t being heard. You are not alone. I am not alone. Neither of these facts change the fact that we feel that way. That brings me to the post for today. I have felt so silenced, unheard, and alone lately. This post ( even though it will only be seen by a handful of people) is scary for me to put out there. It leaves me very nervous that I will be judged and that people will think differently about me because of how I say what I want to say. None the less, I feel the need to write it and try to get it out. I have felt like an immense failure for quite awhile now. I have been feeling like I do not have a purpose, no place. I feel like I have been sent here for a reason and, well, I’m not fulfilling that calling. I am empty. The last 7 months or so have been a constant roller coaster of feeling peace because my anxiety has taken a back seat and longing for some mission that I cant seem to complete.

Something hit me hard the other day. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have all the answers. I don’t know that this is the answer for anyone else. I don’t even know that this is the whole answer for me but, the thought has been burning a hole in me so I’m going to share. There is a gospel song that shares the title of this post. The first verse of the song goes like this: “Have I done any good in the world today? Have I helped anyone in need? Have I cheered up the sad and made someone feel glad? If not I have failed in deed. Has anyone’s burden been lighter today, because I was willing to share? Have the sick and the weary been helped on their way? When they needed my help was I there?”. These words have been digging at me constantly. Confession time, I haven’t been great at serving others during the pandemic. I have been quite comfy doing my own thing, staying with my family, playing with them, traveling with them, doing all family time stuff. It’s been AWESOME! I know, maybe I will get hit with a lightening bolt for this next part but home church has been fantastic, I have loved it and the thought of now returning to the church house had added some of that back seat anxiety back in my life. Kids being home from school was fabulous and I wish for those days back every day they are at school now. Heading to run essential errands only a couple of times a month verses sometimes multiple trips daily now, was a dream. Bottom line, I love being a hermit. I loved not being with my community. However, it did limit my ability to see the needs of others.

My children who attend school get asked how their day was when they come home. They also get asked about their favorite and least favorite parts of the day, other wise I often get a one world answer to the first question….”fine”, “good”, you know. But then, they get asked who they helped today. Their answers range from simple to sometimes complex. It is my favorite thing they tell me about. When we were virtually learning when school got shut down I missed that. I know, they can help each other at home and what not but it’s not the same. Don’t misread that and assume I think it’s not important to help family….it is. It’s vital. It can be harder to help family or easier. However, I want my family to be aware of the needs of those they are around, those that feel unseen and unheard. Those that aren’t always in their space and face ( also). It’s been a real joy to talk with my kiddos after school since we have been back and it was almost a wake up call for me when they would answer. “I helped Jill today, she was really sad and I told her how pretty she looked”. “I helped tutor someone in Science today”. “I helped put up and wipe down the desks”. The thought came in the back of my mind one day, who did you help?

Who had I been able to help? Yes my family, and yes hopefully I help someone other than myself with these ramblings. However, I realized through all of this social distancing, I wasn’t out seeing the elderly couple at the store that I could open the door for. I wasn’t in line behind the mom with a screaming kid who I was able to make silly faces at and change the screaming to smiling. It had been a really long time since I had smiled at someone who I felt needed to know that the whole world wasn’t against them, even if just for one moment. Man, I was a saint before the world closed down right? No, I could have done more, I should have done more. My service acts were small on a daily basis and there are those that I rubbed the wrong way that could argue that I did more harm than good, that might also be true. I realized for me though, I am more likely to act when I see a need. When I can witness an area that I could be of help. I do terrible at reaching out. I’m awful at getting a feeling and acting. I see, I try to do. I don’t want this to come off like I used to be just constantly in the service of my fellow being because I wasn’t not even close but it was easier for me to at least help a few each day in small ways when I was rubbing shoulders with people.

I’m quite sure there are those that will read this that will think that’s nonsense and a bad excuse. There have been plenty of chances to help others since there has been so much hurt and sadness happening. You would be right. I don’t have a great excuse but I still have been far less service oriented the past many months. This got me wondering if I was alone with this. I mean I see so much anger and selfishness. I see the ‘every man for himself’ attitude all over the tv and social media. So much hate. I can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe we need a little more service in our life. I’m a huge believer in the quote from Mahatma Gandhi, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” I think that has been my emptiness. I have felt like I was walking aimlessly trying to find my way and all the while i wasn’t lost, just not serving others.

Everyone has their different gifts, talents, and strengths. We all serve differently. This has nothing to do with not feeling like we are doing enough or being enough. This isn’t a guilt lecture. I hope it comes off more as a map or a compass. If you have been feeling a little lost or alone. Maybe you have felt like you are wandering and going nowhere. If you are like me, maybe reaching out to others is the answer. Maybe it stays just in your family, maybe it extends, that’s all an individual decision. I do challenge everyone who reads this, to serve others this week in any way you see fit as much or as little as you find appropriate, see if you feel more centered and found. The world didn’t turn ugly and hateful overnight, it wont change back overnight either but we can find our personal way out of the darkness even for brief moments as we forget about ourselves, while we serve and love those we come in contact with. Don’t be afraid to ask yourself, “Who/How can I help today?”. I think as we do this, we will all find our calling! Happy serving everyone.

I Remember

I clearly remember waking up and getting ready for work that morning. I remember taking a second out of the bathroom to turn on the radio to get my day started right. Music always seemed to have an affect on my mood, good or bad. I remember like it was yesterday that there wasn’t any music. I sat and listened as the world I knew seemed to be crumbling. I debated about turning the radio back off and making it all go away. I knew that I couldn’t.

I know that nothing in this blog post will be profound or life changing. I also know that I haven’t really spoken about that day in many many years and that’s a shame. My kids don’t really know much about what happened that day in the world or in my small world for that matter. I have not done a great job about teaching them the history I have lived through and assume that they will learn about it in a history class or something else. This is where I am failing them and today, I hope that I change that.

That morning felt so unreal, like it was a horrible awful nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Please don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t personally attached to the towers or anyone travelling that day. I didn’t have that first hand fear that so many people suffered. I had it much better than so many but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a wake up call that I needed so badly but wish I never got.

As I went to work I vividly remember getting in the doors and immediately picking up the phone to call someone, someone I actually couldn’t stand the day before. A person who had caused a ton of pain and frustration to me and my family. I was suddenly worried about him. In that moment it was bizare how much I worried about someone I secretly ( or not so secretly ) had wished many times would be abducted by aliens or something and taken off this planet and away from me and my young son, and my son who was due to be born in 3 months. It was like the world telling me to stop letting all the things that keep my from loving one each other and letting go of hate and anger to give more room to love those in my circle.

Please do not misunderstand, I am not saying we need to go out and embrace all of our enemies. There are certainly people that need kept at bay, and honestly, he was still kept out there away in the safety zone. However, I couldn’t help but worry about him. He hadn’t always been a bad guy and in that moment on that day I couldn’t see all of the things he did that made me turn red at the sound of his name, I just wanted to make sure he was safe and knew that I cared. I found some peace on that day and my wall came down.

The only thing I wanted to do that day was spend time with my son. I didn’t know what was next or how much time I had left. I wasn’t in fear that my town would be bombed or anything but you know that feeling of just knowing that tomorrow isn’t promised to us was unnervingly real. People entered the bank that I worked at with a very different demeanor that day. There was lots of concern but also lots of embracing and love. Most people seemed to have stayed home though, with loved ones, keeping everyone close.

I was so proud of the way people pulled together after that day. I mean it was clear that we were Americans and that we were in this together. People gathered together to support each other, to clean up and to mourn. We were all in this and we put aside differences and held each other.

I know that so many of you have so much more to say about that day. I was involved in a small portion of what happened that day but it did change my world and gave me a new view on those that I don’t/ didn’t care for. I have been forgetting some of those lessons as the world seems to have been getting a lot more angry and dark. Today, I choose to remember, not just that day but the lesson of love I learned from that day. Today I choose to embrace those that are close to me a little longer knowing that tomorrow is only hoped for and not guaranteed. Today, I choose to be a bit more kind and caring to those that I have struggled with. Today, I choose to let go of hurt and anger and judgement, especially toward myself, and let my light shine accepting me and others for the person they are and the good that they do or have done Today I choose to go out of my way to make sure no one feels alone because today could be their last day. And today, I choose to teach my children about one of the scariest and most eye opening days in my life so that they know that I never forgot..

Divide and Conquer

Divide and conquer is a motto that my family lives by. I mean we are going so many places in all different directions that it seems to be the only way to get things done. Mondays we have soccer practice, volleyball practice, another volleyball practice, a 3rd volleyball practice, tumbling and football practice. Thursdays we have volleyball games x 3, football game, and volleyball practice. My husband and I can’t make it to everything together but when we tag team, and when we split up, we can usually make it all work. However, there is always, and I repeat, always time when we are all together and we are much stronger in those moments. Today I want to talk about something that has been on my mind since about March. It is all about the divide and conquer except totally opposite of the way we use it.

You see we look at the divide and conquer as a way to use each other to team up ( even if we are on different playing fields) to accomplish everything on our to-do lists. The way I have been seeing divide and conquer in 2020 Covid style is not meant to meet the needs of the group but to divide each group so that Satan can conquer in the battle we are fighting daily. Since the beginning of this coronavirus stuff, I have felt very strongly that we are at war, like big time war. I know some of you may not share my faith or my way of seeing what is happening in the world today and that is ok. However, anyone who reads this should be able to agree that we are stronger when we are together. My husband and I make better parents when we are doing it together. My family is stronger when we stand up for each other, when we pray together, when we pray for each other. My spiritual side is lifted up and stable when I am allowed to worship with others. A sports team is stronger when everyone is there working toward the same goal.

What I see today, is a lot of divide the people and fear will conquer. Make people feel alone and afraid, and Satan can get ahead. When we cover smiles and don’t allow people to embrace or lock arms we are asking people to fight the battle alone. It worries me. People need people. People need love. People need support and strength. There is strength in numbers, it’s not just a saying, it’s truth.

So this week as my family read in book of Mormon in 3 Nephi 3 verses 13 and 25, I couldn’t help but think of how much we need each other in today’s world. “Yea, he sent a proclamation among all the people, that they should gather together……”, “And they did fortify themselves against their enemies; and they did dwell in one land, and in one body, and they did fear the words which had been spoken…insomuch that they did repent of all their sins; and they did put up their prayers unto the Lord their God, that He would deliver them in the time that their enemies should come down against them to battle.”. The battle was coming. They knew it, many of us know it. If you have watched the news at all you know it. These ancient people didn’t hid away from it, the gathered, they grew strong together. They prayed and they prepared.

It seems like daily as our family reads, I can see a repeat in history or a lesson that I should be learning. I went for years not really being able to say that I knew the scriptures were for our day. I have heard that over and over in my life but it wasn’t until the blessing of the year 2020, that I could really feel like these stories and this history was written so that I could try to avoid some of the mistakes of people that have come way before me. Now it is lesson after lesson and this one JUMPED out at me. We can not let the world divide us. We must gather and gain strength with each other, this is not a battle to fight alone.

This weekend as I sat in a rodeo arena waiting for my son to compete, I listened to the announcer welcome in our beautiful American Flag. I watched people stand and not kneel. I listened to the whole crowd, good and bad singers, do their very best to be respectful as they all sang our national anthem. I got choked up as the announcer offered a prayer on the athletes, both human and animal. I saw a group of people who were gathered as friends, and family. I saw athlete after athlete cheer on and help other competitors. I witnessed friends who have had their ups and downs supporting each other. My heart melted as I saw brothers holding up brothers. I didn’t know most people there but I knew enough and everyone felt like family. The next day I saw a very friendly older man who waived at every little child who walked by, who said “hello” to my little one. My daughter turned to him as if they were long time friends and waived and said “hi” with a huge smile as she rushed off as kids do, but the smile on that mans face was one I wont forget. The weekend before that, I went to local farmers market and felt the warmth of our small town. After leaving my town I traveled to another small town and went to a “Cornfest” where vendors and patrons visited and gathered with warm greetings. You could feel the love. These events were not military training but the gathering of good people filled my soul with strength I needed so much.

Maybe this is a wake up call just for me, maybe it’s for all of us. Maybe I need to focus more on being spread less thin so that we don’t need to divide and conquer as often and we can join forces more. Whatever I do, I know that I will be more aware of, and grateful for, the blessing of getting together with my community whether that be my family, my friends, my religious group, my neighbors or strangers who need a listening ear.

Sometimes the Village Gets Tired.

Ok so this blog post is going to be tough to swallow. No one likes to whine, no one likes to listen to people whine. However, I’m about to cry and whine like a huge baby. I want to start by saying, I don’t want to point fingers but really, that wouldn’t be honest. I’m about to point a lot of fingers one will of course stay pointed right at me but the other nine…those other nine are going in all sorts of directions.

We have all heard that it takes a village to raise a child and I agree. Being a mom is hard, like majorly hard. Being enough doesn’t seem to be attainable let alone being a great mom. We need each other to fill in those places where we aren’t strong. We need to fill in other wholes where others lack. It’s all for the greater good and well worth some time sacrifice to help the community out. So far I bet we can almost all agree. Now for the vent, or wake up call, or complaint if you will. I see the same people volunteering over and over and over. I fully understand that in saying this, I too fall short in areas. I understand that not everything is done in the spot light and that many acts of service go unseen and under appreciated. I commend you if you are helping out in those ways. Today though, I want to focus on one specific area, youth and community recreation activities.

Getting kids active and healthy and teaching them the benefit of being a team player and a good sport is important. In my little area we have a ton of kids who sign up to play multiple sports every year. As you sign up your child each season and each sport, you have the opportunity to check a little box that says “I would be willing to coach”. This little box needs to be much. much bigger. Being supportive of your child playing a sport goes beyond showing up to a game once a week.

I will be honest and let you all know, I hate that little box. It for me, is like a little guilt driver right into my soul. I don’t click it. I don’t want to coach most of the time. I want to share those opportunities with anyone else. However, I end up coaching every. single. season. There are seasons that I end up coaching multiple teams and multiple sports. I know, I know, “Poor Sarah, she can’t say no and wants to blame us.” The thing is, I’m not trying to blame anyone. I’m just tired.

I think there are a few different kinds of sport’s parents out there. From my experience, there are those that want to get their kid out of the house and this seems as good a place as any. They are the ones who aren’t super involved. The sometimes get their kids to practices and games but only if it’s convenient. They don’t sign up for treats or to help in anyway when asked. This group is super small in my experience.

Next up are the parents who are basically scared, They didn’t play sports as a child or in high school so they honestly believe they are exempt from coaching because they don’t know enough. They are the over achievers when it comes to treats all dressed up in adorable packaging and basically a meal instead of a snack. They are the first to sign up for anything you need not game related.

Then we have the parents who are “too busy” and just can’t commit to coaching a team. They are usually working parents and assume that others aren’t as busy as they are. Other people obviously have more free time and are better off coaching. They are willing to fill in for a game day coaching gig once in a while or bring store bought treats whenever needed.

Then there are the parents who make time and sign up, or agree to coach each of their children’s events. They are the same parents you see on the sidelines ever season. They look like they love it, They do love it. They are out there multiple times a week with your children. I could go a lot more into this parent but that would be more personal and less observational than I want to be right now.

We have maybe had times when we have been each one of these parents at least to some degree. However, as personal as it may be, I want to share a few thoughts about these parents from a my personal opinion. Parent #1. I love having your child on my team. I feel like these kiddos may need a “team” more than any of my other players. I love cheering them on, even when you were not to the game because it wasn’t important to you that day. However, your child would love it even more, if you took the time. Just one 6-8 week period of your life every couple of years even, to coach them. Coaching them = spending time with them doing something for them and makes them feel important and loved.

Parent #2, It’s ok to be scared. Your child actually will grow and mature as they learn that you don’t know everything. It’s not a magic gift your receive when you become and adult that you just know everything now. I get it Mom’s and Dad’s, we like to let our kids think we know it all. However, it is healthy for them to know that everyone, at all stages, can still be taught. Wanna know an even cooler thing, when you allow your children to teach you something, they feel important and needed. When I coached my first soccer team probably about 15 years ago, I knew nothing. I had not played soccer and didn’t watch the game. I had no experience other than what you learn in your junior high p.e. class. My son asked me to coach though. I sucked it up and coached. He was young but he loved having me coach ( that didn’t last super long but at the time we made memories). Guess what happened? I learned how to play and coach soccer. I’m not a great coach, i struggle with the teams as they get older and half of the kids know more than I do after being involved in club teams and what not, but I can do it. Learning something that is important to your child= your child feels loved and important.

Parent #3, You are the one that I struggle with almost most of all. We are all busy people. All of us. My busy may look very different than your busy but we are all swamped. over the last 15 years or so, my husband and I have coached, Volleyball, Soccer, Football, T-ball, and Basketball. During the last 15 years, I have also been a working single mom. I have been a married with a blended bunch mom. Over the last 9 years I have had 8 kids involved in sports . There was a time when we had all 8 involved from a recreation level to a high school level and we were running around like crazy people. At one point in the last 10 years I was taking college classes and working on finishing up a college degree. I don’t want pity, the life I live has been chosen by me. I love it. However, during all of those times of not having one extra minute to even cook dinner, I /we, managed to coach our kids teams, again….teamsssss. We have not gone one spring/fall season in the last 9 years that we have not coached at least one sport and at least one team. If you want to talk about busy, talk to someone else because every time I listened to a parent tell my why they couldn’t fill in for the practice that they came and sat and watched every week, I had to bite my tongue…hard! You decide where to spend your time, don’t let your time spend you. Making time for your children= children feeling important and loved.

Parent #4, I love you! I know you don’t have extra time. I know you may feel like you don’t know enough, I am still glad my child has you as a coach. I know that you have been doing this for years and you are tired. I know that you feel like it is someone else’s turn. I know that you may only be coaching because you felt like it was your duty since you want your child to be able to be on a team. I know that you may not have even asked to coach but when the call came saying “ we are short coaches and we need you”, you answered that call and agreed. I also know that while your children may have moved on from loving you coaching their team, they love you. They love that they have a coach. I know that without you, without a coach, my child, other children, don’t have a team. I know that you have had to miss watching games or parts of games for one child to be able to coach another child. I also know that as hard as it is, you can say no, and maybe you have and now are feeling like the worst person on the planet. Don’t.

I believe there is a time and a season for all things. I don’t believe in making up a list of reasons why it is not your time or season when others are crying for your help. Please get involved with your children’s sports teams ( or any other activities they are into). Please don’t assume that the coaches who do it every year are there so that you don’t need to, or because they love it. Please make time to get to every game, to help coach when you can, or volunteer to be an assistant coach while you learn the ropes for next season when you can check that box and say “Yes, I can coach'“.

Sports aren’t the answer to all of life’s problems, I totally get that. However, feeling loved and important is sort of a big deal. Feeling like you can say no when you are spread too thin this time, and someone else in your awesome village will step up and fill that spot, is sort of an important thing also. More than ever, we need to see a need, fill a need , in our world.